Festive decorations, loved up teenagers and body swapping
by TCBN
Summary: Around Christmas, Butters, Bebe, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, cartman and Alex (OC) switch bodies. After each person undergoes character development, they turn back. Whilst this is happening, Cartman plots to destroy their love lives using Cupid Me NO GAY PAIRINGS
1. Chapter 1

Kenny flipped off Cartman after hearing a rude poor joke.

"You're a dick to everyone" Kenny snapped, "Where as in reality, you're just a sad fuck"

"You're just a poor kid who can't even afford a pine tree decoration" Cartman rolled his eyes

"You do mean a Christmas ornament, right?" Butters corrected, walking over

"Of course I mean that!" Cartman spat

"You two need to learn to get along" Butters warned, "or you'll be cursed"

"Cursed?" Kenny blinked

"Leave them alone" Kyle stepped towards them, "You can't even control your bladder let alone stand up for someone else properly!"

"You've been nothing but cruel to me" Butters seethed, "You're all a bunch of hamburgers!"

"Hey, look at me, I'm so up myself I can taste shit in my mouth!" Cartman mocked Butters, dancing around

"You ARE up yourself!" Kyle shouted

"Fuck you Jew!" Cartman shoved Kyle

"Leave him alone, asshole!" Alex arrived, shoving Cartman backwards

"Alex, stop trying to defend everyone every chance you get!" Stan snapped

"I have to!" Alex retorted

"Kenny, you should stand up to Eric-" Butters began

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING!?" Kenny howled, shoving Butters

"Fuck off, Melven!" Cartman flipped Butters off

"Stand your ground!" Kenny shouted at Butters, "for once in your stupid idiotic life!"

"CURSE YOU!" Butters screamed, causing everyone to freeze mid-shove and insult, "I curse you all! You will all regret your words!"

"Fuck off, Melven!" Bebe screamed, walking past

"Especially you" Butters winked


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle slowly sat up. He remembered fragments of last night. Fragments of memories went through his mind as his head pulsed from the ache of too much alcohol. The smell of urine and alcohol stanlk up the pond that was littered with beer cans and bottles of wine.

_Hey, Kyle! Are you coming to the end of school party?_

_Yeah!_

_Who ever said alcohol was a diuretic?_

_It's relaxant, dude!_

_I need to pee, I rdank too much pissin' alcohol!_

_Well, go take a piss in the pond! You pissin' maniac!_

_…_

_You know what? I WILL! _

_…_

_Butters? Go away! Melvins weren't invited_

_Oh Hamburgers! I wanted to have fun-_

_Go play with your nerd friends!_

_…_

_The piss pact was a stupid idea_

_…. _

_Hey.. hey what rhymes with orange?_

_Um…. Orangutan? _

_No, dofus! NOTHING_

_Oreos are all I can think of, dude…._

_…_

_…_

_Hey, Alex?_

_Yeah?_

_What does stupendous mean?_

_I don't know_

_I think it means stupid_

_No, it means epic or awesome, I think_

_Or maybe it's…._

_…_

_The piss pact! _

_…_

_I need to go take a shit-_

_CARTMAN! You're supposed to bury your shit after taking a shit! _

_Ah fuck awf! _

_…_

_I…. I gotta lie down_

_000_

Kyle slowly opened his eyes once more and looked down, only to scream. Bringing a shaky hand to his black hair rumpled by the snow and matted into a blue hat, he gasped.

"Stan!" Kyle rasped, slowly standing up, "Why I in Stan?"

"Uhh" Kyle's body rolled over, groaning In pain, "Mah faking god, I need cheesypoofs. stat"

"CARTMAN!?" Kyle gasped, staring at what Kyle thought what him, red curly hair and green hat, vomit on the side of his cheek.

"Fuck off, Stan" Cartman moaned, shoving a green mitt into the snow

"Cartman" Kyle cleared his throat, "You're…. a ginger Jew" Kyle deadpanned

"I- I AM A WHAT?" Cartman gasped, standing up, going white, "Stan! What happened!"

"Look at yourself" Kyle said, "I'm Kyle. For your information"

"Oh! OH FUCK!" Cartman sped off, snow shooting from his boots as he fled, "OH GOD NO!"

"Aw" Kyle sat down, hugging his knees to his chest, "what the fuck was the piss pact?"

"I think" Kenny's voice sounded, "Kenny invented it"

"You're Kenny?" Kyle blinked, "unless you're talking in third person"

"It's Alex, dude" Alex cocked an eyebrow, "and I hate to tell you this but boners are _fucking_ uncomfortable"

"Fair enough, you don't normally have a _dick_" Kyle laughed, staring at Kenny's reddening face either from laughter or embarrassment.

"Hey! I am the chief innuendo joke commander! Don't you dare make jokes about innuendo! That's my job!" Bebe's voice shouted, "Ah, you get the best looking body!" Kenny pointed accusatorily at Kenny's body.

"Kenny!?" Alex and Kyle blinked in surprise, "You're a chick!?"

"We need to find the others, dude!" Kenny sighed, "and it's a relief to have a break from my parka for a while. Nice new assets" Kenny touched his chest lovingly.


	3. Chapter 3

"Stan?" Wendy caressed Stan's face, Kyle, inside, shivering with shock

"I don't want to talk to you" Kyle shrugged her hand off, his red mitt swatting her away

"Alex, DO something!" Wendy snapped, turning to Alex standing beside him. Shrugging his slender female shoulders he shook his head

"Look, Wendy, I'm sorry but I need space" Stan tried, placing a curl behind his ear in the most girly way possible

"That sounds like something STAN would say!" Wendy huffed

"That's because I AM Stan!" Stan spat, irritated, "You refuse to believe me!"

"I can't believe you're still playing that GAME!" Wendy cried, turning on her heel

"Wendy!" Stan shouted, impatiently tying up his long red curly hair as it was getting in his way, "Please listen to me!"

"Leave me alone, Alex" Wendy huffed

"Wendy, turn around" Stan tried, running to face Wendy, "please"

"WHAT!" Wendy turned around, angry

"We switched bodies!" Stan explained, "I've got Alex's body and Kyle's in MY body! I am Stan!"

"S-stan?" Wendy blinked, "But it's not possible! Prove it!"

"You want me to prove to you that I am not Stan?" Kyle cocked an eyebrow

"YES!" Wendy huffed

"You broke a ruler up your strange" Stan deadpanned

"How- why the fuck did you tell everyone that!?" Wendy reddened with embarrassment

"Because I came with you to hospital so you could get it out! You said we were to keep it a secret" Stan snapped, "Do you want MORE proof?"

"Yes! You could've told someone that!" Wendy seethed

"Fine" Stan sighed, leaning in to kiss Wendy

Kyle blinked, bringing a hand to his mouth and vomited.

"Stan, you have something wrong with your digestive system" Kyle muttered

"I need air!" Wendy screeched, running outside

000

"Wendy!" Alex shouted, "Are you alright?"

"Fuck off, pervert!" Wendy snapped, shoving Alex out the way

"Wendy, would you believe me if I said I was a girl yesterday?" Alex said

"No" Wendy looked up at the orange parka, "But you could've since you're so obsessed with boobs! "

"Ugh" Alex sat beside Wendy who slouched away

"Wendy, I am Alex and I don't think I-" Alex began, blinking as Wendy bolted, grabbing Bebe by the shoulder

"Hey there sexy girl!" Kenny winked, smiling wide

"Are you gay?" Wendy blinked

"I don't know, ask Bebe" Kenny shrugged, poking her boobs.

"Please don't do that" Wendy crossed her arms, annoyed

"That's Kenny!" Alex snapped, waving brown mitts in Wendy's face, "Do you GET IT!?"

"Oh. OH MY GOD!" Wendy gasped, "I tried to kiss someone who wasn't Stan! But was!?"

"That was Kyle. His best friend" Alex cocked an eyebrow, ignoring Kenny's snort of laughter


	4. Chapter 4

"Aw" Kyle stared at the racetrack, "Can I just not do it today? I'll pretend I hurt my ankle"

"Dude, you have to" Stan replied, "It's the only way to keep me fit without losing ability in a week"

"what if I do stuff like crunches?" Kyle ask

"one lap" Stan pleaded, hands together, "if you run really well, I won't make you do the whole ten laps"

"Dude, I can't even do one lap!" Kyle moaned

"RUN!" Stan snapped, putting his hands on his hips in a mocking fashion, "or I'll race you and prove Alex is a better runner than you! And by you I mean ME!"

Kyle started bolting, Stan did a double take and started running after him. The lactic acid in the legs was MUCH faster to accumulate, meaning that Alex didn't run. At all. Stan, panting and puffing, watching his best friend in his own body pelt down the track, clearly enjoying himself. After a while of sprinting like crazy, Stan sat on the race track and groaned in agony. Kyle walked over, not a single bead of sweat appeared on his forhead and he was hardly puffing.

"ahHA!" Kyle did a cartwheel, "NOW you know what it's like to be unfit like me!"

"Well, now YOU know what it's like to be fit like me" Stan huffed, wiping a thick trail of sweat off his cheek. Jesus CHRIST Alex could get _sweaty_.

Butters was running onto the track, worry in his eyes.

"Guys!" Butters gasped, "Sorry to interrupt your little date but I have bad news!"

"We're not dating" Kyle laughed

"But-" Bebe looked at her two friends, "when did you break up?"

"No-" Kyle face palmed, "We're not who you think we look like"

"Uh" Butters blinked, "So, are you telling me you know why I am in a GUY'S body?"

"No, we know but we don't know _why_" Stan stood up, retying the red hair

"It's Bebe" Bebe said, crossing her arms across the blue coat

"I thought Butters had jinxed us. Why would he switch with us!"

"Because I NEVER DID IT!" Cartman's voice howled, "Oh hamburgers!"

"Jesus!" they all jumped in fright

"A scrawny boy in a fat body" Bebe laughed, "wow"

"I- was all angry" Butters simpered, "I woke up this morning. And- and I- Cartman's mother woke me up with the massive breakfast, fully believing I was her son!"

"Look" Stan sighed, wiping off a new trail of sweat, "We wouldn't believe you but the fact that you look as if you're about to cry and in someone else's fat body tells us that someone else did this"

"I'm sorry what I said yesterday" Butters shrugged, "To be honest, being this fat is probably the closest I will get to understanding what it's like to be pregnant"

"Oh honey" Bebe laughed, "You got it _all_ wrong. Food babies are easier than human babies"

"Look, that's beside the point" Kyle snapped, "We just have to find out who did this"

000

Kenny jumped into the air, defending the volleyball from his team. Expecting the ball to careen over the net, it just sailed into the ground, hopelessly trailing away.

"Aew fuck" Kenny swore, "I swear! I _was_ great at this!"

"Since when did you want to go to the front of the line in the game? You hate being in the front" Red asked as Kenny ran for the ball.

"I wanted to try it out" Kenny shrugged, "Long story short, all I know is that o thought I was brilliant at Vollyball"

"The only guy brilliant at Volleyball is Kenny!" Red laughed, "He wins the game every time"

Kenny was just about to peg the ball onto Red's head when someone else snatched the ball from him and sank it over the other side of the net.

"Really, the only reason he likes the front line is so he can stare at the girls!" Red laughed.

Kenny froze in mid internal dialogue mutter and turned around.

"Do you really think that?" Kenny gasped, "You?"

"Ugh. All the girls think so!, Bebe!" Red giggled, "he's always staring down ya shirt when you bed over! I even think Mr Garrison does it at times"

"Oh" Kenny felt himself go red, "That must suck"

"Huh?" Red blinked

"Another game!" the contenders shouted on the other side

"You bowl" Kenny whispered as he gave the ball to Red and slowly slunk to the back of the field, the easiest spot on the game.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex led Sam to Butters' house, assignment notes in hands.

"I hate this assignment so much" Alex muttered

"Kenny, you're walking into Butters house. Where's Bebe's house? I thought-" Sam cut himself off, stopping up the footpath

"Come on" Alex laughed, "We'll explain everything"

"Okay, first I see you with Stan in the bag room, then I see that Butters is in our group, replacing Bebe and Cartman is being NICE to me, what is going on?" Sam blinked following Alex.

"And I saw Bebe…." Sam shuddered, "nevermind"

"Sam!" Butters leapt from the front door, wrapping his legs around him, "I've MISSED YOU!"

"AHH!" Sam fell over, "Get off of me!"

"Bebe!" Alex started to laugh, "Sam doesn't know, yet!"

"I'm _not_ gay, sorry to burst your bubble, and SECONDLY I am with BEBE!" Sam snapped, getting up

"O- oh, I am so sorry, I didn't realize!" Bebe blushed, "It's just that…. We got body swapped"

"You did?" Sam's jaw dropped to the ground, "That's fucked"

"Which explains everything you saw" Alex explained it all

000

"I don't want to be in this disgusting body!" Cartman howled, "It's ugly, ginger and Jewish!"

"Dude" Stan snapped, "You need to calm down! None of us want to be in who we are! Besides, shouldn't THIS be a lesson for YOU not to be a dick to others?"

"But Kahl's a dirty RAT!" Cartman thumped a green mitt on the cafeteria bench in anger

"Cartman-" Stan began

"I don't want to be all gingery like you!" Cartman howled. "Stan, now you're HER, A ginger, don't you understand why I hate them!?"

"No, but I understand why Kyle likes her!" Stan laughed

"Like ginger like ginger" Cartman huffed, "I want revenge! Replace my wiener with a banana or something"

"Please don't do that" Stan deadpanned, feeling his cheeks go bright red involuntarily, "just go on about your day and TRY understand that being a Jewish Ginger is perfectly _okay_"

"Well! We will see about that!" Cartman snapped, getting up and walking off

Red appeared at the table, confused, "Hey, you two fighting?"

"No, Red" Stan shook his head, sending tendrils of red curls to fall into his face from it's misshapen pony tail.

"Then why were you two-" Red was cut off

"I need to go" Stan got up, wanting to get away, "Go hang with Wendy"

000

Red saw Bebe sitting on the benches on the race track. Knees hugged to her chest, Red could see that she was looking upset. She went over in hopes of cheering her up.

"Bebe?" Red lightly touched Kenny on the shoulder, "are you okay?"

"Huh?" Kenny looked up at her, "Y-yeah"

"Are you sure You can tell me anything? We're best friends" Red sat beside her

"Well" Kenny shrugged, "have you ever been in a situation where you used to do something that annoyed other people and you realized how badly you can hurt them?"

"Well" Red thought for a moment, "Like that stupid list we made about cutest to ugliest?"

"What would you do of you knew you had a horrible reputation and you wanted to make ev-" Kenny cut himself off when Alex walked over.

"Jesus, do you have any idea how hard it is to be…." Alex sat down, "Bebe, you're looking glum"

Kenny so wanted to talk to Alex but the fact Red was around meant that he had to act as Bebe.

"Um" Bebe croaked, "Girl issues"

Alex got up, laughed and walked off, "I'm sure I know how to deal with them issues!"

Kenny couldn't help but start laughing. Alex had broken character and still Red thought Alex was Kenny.

"Pervert" Red grumbled

"Fuck off, Kenny" Bebe shooed her off, "please"

"Lucky bastard! You get to hang with all the girls!" Alex snorted, running off, killing herself with laughter.

"He's weird" Red mumbled

"Let's race on the track" Kenny shrugged, "I need to let off some steam"

So they ran around the track, greeting Stan as they went around, Kyle wore blue hat and waved them past the circular track as he finished his blue Gatorade, leaning on the bleachers watching Bebe and Red run and talk, something no man could do: Multitask.

AN: spry for the short chapter. It's just that there's two pathways that this narrative could go and I'm trying to see if I can combine two plotlines into one. J as usual, I love your reviews!


	6. Chapter 6

Kenny held his breath as he slid himself into a dress, turning around to look at himself in the mirror.

"Dude, you look pretty in this why don't you ever wear them?" Kenny blinked

"I don't know" Bebe shrugged, sitting on the carpet, "You smell like man's deodrent"

"It's habit! I _was_ formerly a dude!" Kenny snorted

"Well, it's confusing since you're in a girl's body. Yu should be sporting perfume!" Bebe laughed in Butters voice that didn't ever laugh. Kenny turned around, feeling weird that he was in a dress rather than a pair of pants.

"Look, I'm sorry I've been a dick to you, man" Kenny sat with Bebe, twisting a lock of hair around his finger, "I've always wondered what it was like to have long hair"

"You're very self reflective today" Bebe snorted a girlish snort

"I was playing in the volleyball team" Kenny shrugged, "And I didn't realize how much everyone hated my persona"

"Aw fuck. You didn't go into the front" Bebe gawped, eyes widening

"Yeah…" Kenny sighed

"Hey, do you remember what the piss pact was?" Bebe asked, "I've had those three words in my head all day"

"That's a very unusual set of three words" Kenny laughed, giggling at himself at the way Bebe's voice went higher when he laughed. He enjoyed that cute decibel raise in laughter.

"Hey" Bebe stood up, feeling weird that she was taller than someone like Kenny who, in reality, was at least one head taller than her, "I think we should go perfume shopping"

"No!" Kenny couldn't help but fall into a fit of girly giggles that made him laugh even harder, "A guy ordering a girl around about what perfumes to wear is a little odd"

"Oh no" Bebe smirked, making Butters look extra creepy, "Wendy's waiting for you outside. I texted her"

"You did NOT!" Kenny squeaked, surprising himself with the inexplicably girly voice in his voice box.

"Butters!" Wendy shoved Bebe over, "move it!"

"Aw- Hamburgers" Bebe stood up, changing her persona, "I'd be awful sore if-"

Wendy yanked Kenny along, and pointed to her car.

"We urgently need to update your smell. You've been smelling like Stan's armpits after a shower!" Wendy chuckled, "And last time I checked, you've run out of perfume"

"But-" Kenny began, only to trail off, watching the pine trees whizz past the window and ignore Wendy bitch on about Stan's obsession with running around the race track every single morning at four am sharp.

00

_Jingle bells, jingle bells…._

"Really!?" Kenny blinked, blinding himself with the reflective wallpaper wrapping that smothered ever single advert and commercial screaming for them to buy Christmas presents.

"Just ignore the jingle" Wendy rolled her eyes and she dragged Kenny with her

"How am I supposed to buy p- is every bottle in this room seriously, red, green and white?" Kenny gawked

"We just have to go through the cheap festive perfumes!" Wendy laughed, "I don't want you to fool anyone with your hair smelling like Christmas pudding!"

"Oh I'm going to smell like a Christmas present?" Kenny laughed sarcastically, "The boys will be so exited to _unwrap_ me, then!"

"That's precisely the point of why I think Christmas perfume is the most stupidest marketing scheme ever invented!" Wendy snapped, turning a corner and letting go of Kenny's red cardigan, watching him stare around the room in absolute awe.

"Wendy" Kenny sniffed the air, "are you wearing fifty different perfumes?"

Wendy started laughing, shaking her head; "You obviously haven't been to a perfume shop in a long time"

Wendy plucked a perfume with a pale blue liquid in a sphere, took Kenny's wrist and sprayed.

"EEee!" Kenny coughed spray back, "that stinks like my grandmother's tea!"

"Yeah" Wendy put it back, looking apologetic at Kenny, "how about you go over there and try perfumes out, see what you can find?"

Kenny slowly walked over to a phial of perfume that looked like something a teenage girl would wear. It had a pink coloring and it said number 9. Kenny was tempted to make a joke about a number nine perfume but he figured Wendy would just get annoyed.

"Hey, Wendy" Kenny called, "What's this one?"

Kenny plucked a short tubular perfume with a yellow liquid, sniffing its spray nozzle, "I like this"

Wendy sauntered over, smelling like lavender.

"You do?" Wendy cringed, watching Kenny sniff the bottle.

Kenny spritzed himself, suddenly smelling of ice cream and daisies. A smell Kenny knew was familiar. It was a perfume that someone wore so often it became a distinctive smell.

"Bebe" Wendy plucked the tube from his hand, "Did you forget that you always buy this perfume?"

"That's why I love it" Kenny smiled to himself


	7. Chapter 7

Stan sat on the bleachers, looking out onto the race track, Wendy walked over, sitting beside him.

"Hey, how are you?" Wendy sat with him

"Fine" Stan shrugged his narrow shoulders, "I haven't showered in a week and I go to the swimming pool and rinse off just to try and protect dignity"

"That explains the smell" Wendy wrinkled her nose

"Thank you" Stan snorted

"Bebe and I went to the shops today" Wendy shrugged, "I figured I would try see if you were telling the truth"

"Uh" Stan sat up, "you went perfume shopping with Kenny"

"Jesus, this game's fun!" Wendy giggled

"It's not a game" Stan sighed, "we really are-"

"You just really don't get it, do you?" Wendy scoffed, "I'm _tired_ of this game"

00

Bebe was just about to lie down and admit defeat when Butters parents insisted on grounding her for trivial matters such as leaving the cereal on the counter. Kenny rang the doorbell.

"I- Oh I won't do it again!" Bebe squeaked in Butters voice, "I'll get the door, ma"

Bebe ran for the door, slamming it shut behind her, flustered.

"You found my perfumes?" Bebe blinked

"Yeah, I didn't know that you wore it" Kenny shrugged

"BUTTERS!" the mother screamed, "Get back inside, now!"

"Hold on, ma!" Bebe screamed back, turning to Kenny, "what do you want?"

"I never realized how much of an asshat I have been towards you and your friends" Kenny sighed, "and how much I love the smell of you"

"Me?" Bebe blinked

"No, the body that I am in and the personality in there" Kenny prodded Bebe in the head, "I'll see you at Volleyball practice tomorrow?"

Bebe smiled, stifled a yawn, "yeah"

"And I hope we swap fast" Kenny blushed, "Cuz your month just arrived and I have _NO_ idea how to deal with it"

They snorted with laughter, which was short lived, as the mother yanked Butters into the house and sent to her room.

00

Bebe woke up that morning, just about to yank down a blue coat when she gasped when she stared in the mirror. Her hair fell in golden locks down her back, eyes shining blue.

"I'm back?" Bebe gasped, enjoying the sound of her own voice

00

Kenny peeled his eyes open, smiled at his cracked ceiling, glad to be in his home. After a while, he realized three things. First, he was himself, second, Bebe was probably back to normal. And third, everyone else was probably changed.

00

Cartman, deep in the woods, sat alone, on a log, moping about what had happened. No one had got worried about him and phoned Kyle's phone in his pocket. It felt like no one cared about him. Slowly, Cartman stood up, and took out a bottle of piss with a card attached. Slowly, a fog of memories settled upon him. The card labled the Piss Pact reminded him something.

_"Don't be stupid" Bebe had snapped, "I think it will work!"_

_"Look, we just need to sacrifice ourselves for a week" Kyle explained, "we just have to try"_

_"Cartman's still going to be a dickhead!" Stan's voice wafted _

_"Guys, we just have to piss in this bottle, say a prayer and it will work" Kyle explained, "what happens if that we all switch bodies, Cartman won't suspect a thing! Once Cartman learns his lesson, we all can go home with our own bodies"_

_"The piss pact" Alex laughed, "That's what this is?"_

_"And, if you manage to undergo character development, you'll automatically switch back, the bodies will swap around once more" Kyle said_

_"That's the only way out?" Alex gasped, "through personal journeys?"_

_"If fatass discovers how much of an asshole he is" Kyle jeered, "we can go home"_

_…_

_"Hey Cartman! Piss in this bottle!" someone laughed _

_and he had pissed in the bottle, unbeknownst of what was about to happen._


	8. Chapter 8

Bebe ran up to Kenny's house, knocking on the door, her perfume wafting up Kenny's nostrils as he opened the door.

"Hey!" Bebe smiled, "I've come to walk with you to volleyball practice"

"Really? E- even when we've returned?" Kenny blinked

"Even then" Bebe looped an arm around his, "Thank god we got out the stupid _piss_ pact"

"Amen" Kenny smiled walking with her

"I wonder how everyone else is?" Bebe wondered

00

The coach was barking instructions at them when the small group of friends surrounded each other.

"Kyle" Alex's voice said, turning to Kyle, "I couldn't bring myself to eat the banana smoothie your mum made"

"Kyle!?" Kyle's voice gasped, "_We_ swapped bodies!?"

"Ugh, looks like it" Kyle muttered, sweeping his long red curls into a pony tail like he saw Stan do so many times.

"I look better with a pony tail" Alex giggled

"Oh hamburgers" the boy wearing the blue hat said, "I'm relieved to no longer be fat!"

"Butters? You've changed, too?" Kyle blinked, "Someone must've achieved something like a personal journey"

"Who would've expected it to be me" Kenny grinned at the group

"Whoa, are you serious?" they all were astonished

"aw- awww," Carman's voice moaned, "Now I'm the fatass!"

"Stan!" Kyle burs out laughing, "polar opposite fitness level. Good luck on the race track!"

Stan cracked up along with everyone else.

"Fuck, now I'm in the Melvin's body" Butters whined, "Worse than Kahl!"

"Screw you" Stan muttered

00

Alex slowly walked up to a massive pine tree that stood in the town square. She hardly remembered the events of the party but all she knew was that the piss pact was getting annoying. Slowly, she unlatched a massive red ornament from a branch and stared at the reflection.

"I shouldn't have done it" Kyle said behind her, causing her to jump

"Jesus, you gave me a fright" Alex spluttered, turning around

"I forgot to tell you one problem about the piss pact" Kyle mumbled

"You said this would only go on for a week!" Alex squeaked

"If this continues until after next year. We stay in the bodies we're in" Kyle said to the ground

"What!?" Alex swore, taking Kyle by the shoulders, "What!?"

"I didn't realize this until now!" Kyle snapped, "Mr Hankey told me to do it and I obviously took the spell without asking for side effects!"

Alex gawked "Shit!"

"Ah fuck" Kyle muttered, sitting down beneath the tree, "is very true"


	9. Chapter 9

In the school courtyard, a small circle surrounded an arguing Kyle and Cartman.

"This is all your fault!" Cartman shouted, shoving Kyle over

"Leave me alone, you asshole!" Kyle spat, "We were all in on this! We needed you to change for the better!"

"Well, fuck you for your stupid plan!" Cartman howled

"Stop it, fatass!" Bebe snapped

"YOU!" Cartman seethed, "BITCH!"

"Don't call my girlfriend a bitch, Cartman!" someone screamed

Cartman automatically looked at Stan who was on his phone. Cartman blinked. He didn't insult Wendy. So who was Bebe's new guy? Looking back at Bebe, he blinked in confusion.

"Fag" Cartman said

Kenny grabbed Cartman by the shoulder and turned him around, pissed off.

"You're the reason we're in this mess, asshole!" Kenny snapped

"You probably enjoyed being a girl!" Cartman seethed, shoving stuff up your strange like no tomorrow!

"Actually, I didn't change or shower for a week" Kenny cocked an eyebrow, "because I gave a _shit_ about her dignity"

"Screw you" Cartman spat, "I'm never going to change"

"Cartman" Kyle walked up to him

"Fuck you, ginger!" Cartman pushed Kyle into the snow

"I just want to tell you something" Kyle stood back up, voice calm

"What? You're the combination of the two worst people on Earth!?" Cartman snarled

"I accept that you can't change. I accept that you're never going to understand why you're an asshole. We tried to make you understand. But I didn't realize this one very important point" Kyle cleared her throat, "It was be that had to accept that you are an unbelievable bully"

Kyle blinked, suddenly standing a few feet away from Cartman, staring at Alex glaring stonily at Cartman.

"Holy fuck we changed again" Alex gasped, dodging a puny fisted punch

"Who the fuck do you think you are, asshole?!" Cartman snapped

"Don't you see" Alex grinned, "if you realize your mistakes, you change"


	10. Chapter 10

"Fine" Cartman fumed, "I am going to fuck up your love life so much, you wish you were dead"

Cartman cleared his throat and yelled "CUPID ME!"

"Yes, Eric?" a fluttering angel with a halo and tubby man boobs flew over his head, "what can I do for you this year?"

"I'm going to need you to fire a few arrows for some people" Cartman sneered

"Oh, you know how I'm so excellent at Archery, Eric!" Cupid Me giggled

"Oh Cupid Me" Cartman smiled, putting hios hands on his own tiny framed hips, "I know you'll pull it off"

"Cartman" Cupid Me said, voice getting serious., "This will have serious implicat-"

"Just do it already!" Cartman barked, "Now fly away, my angel! FLY away my sweet beautiful revenge"

"I will avenge them!" Cupid Me roared, soaring into the sky, giggling like a little baby laughing at someone falling over or getting kicked in the nuts.

000

Bebe was showering in the locker rooms, after a rough game of volleyball. Humming a tune to herself, she raked her fingers through her blonde curls, thinking about what to wear tomorrow. The same garb, probably. Stepping out the shower, she dialed Kenny's number, humming an innocent tune as she wrapped a towel around herself.

"Hey, babe" Kenny's voice sang, "How are you?"

"Ken" Bebe cleared her throat, "we need to talk"

"We're talking now, aren't we?" Kenny laughed

"We should probably see other people" Bebe whispered, admiring herself in the mirror.

"What?" Kenny stopped breathing

"I'm sorry Kenny" Bebe murmured into the phone, "You're really sweet but- I think I need space"

"Bebe!" Kenny's voice went up, "what did I do! Please, if I hurt you- I-"

"Ken" Bebe cleared her throat once more, "You're fine"

With that, she hung up and resumed getting dressed, getting ready for next class.

"Hey, Bebe!" Kyle waved cheerily, seeing Bebe walk over, "I've been thinking about you all morning"

"Oh you're such a sweet guy" Bebe giggled, playfully punching him on the arm. Sam, nearby, gawked at this. He stared from his own table at the cafeteria, jaw dropping as far as hell.

"You're so sweet" Kyle laughed, "what's up"

"I broke up with him" Bebe looked at her tray of food, chewing on a plastic fork

"At least you were honest about your feelings" Kyle said, smiling.

Sam looked around for Alex. Alex always knew what was going on in the realms of social circles. He excused himself from the table where Token, Clyde and Tweek sat.

Sam bolted down the hallways, brain frying in a mess of confusion. He went down the steps and saw Alex's car lights on in the carpark. Someone was in there. He went over and sat inside, placing a hand on Alex's back.

"Alex, are you okay?" Sam whispered

"No" Alex sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, "I don't know"

"Uh" Sam sighed, "I'm sorry about the break up"

"He was two timing me!" Alex howled, covering her face, "He can't possibly have gotten to the level that Bebe and Kyle are at now, after breaking up with me, today!"

"Aw, Jesus" Stan muttered, jumping when he heard the car door open and someone sit inside.

"I bought you lunch" Kenny brought a sandwich to the front of the car, "I figured we could both mope in self pity"

"Haha" Alex weakly laughed, picking up the sandwich

"Jesus" Sam sat back, "Two of my best friends cheated on two of my best friends"

Kenny laughed at this, "Yeah"

A crack of thunder erupted in the sky, causing everyone in the car to jump in fright. Sam poked his head out the window in time to see a bird like thing fly across the sky with what looked like a spear and bow.

"What the hell?" Sam muttered, pulling his head back inside, seeing Alex and Kenny dazed for a minute, jaws open.

"Hello?" Sam blinked, waving a hand in front of Alex who pushed his hand away

"I need to go home" Alex snapped into action

"Okay, cia tomorrow!" Kenny waved, getting out the car, Sam in tow

"Dude, what happened there?" Sam asked, as the car sped off

"What?" Kenny cringed

"The thunder?" Sam waved a hand to the sky, "You know?"

"Dude, you've been hearing or thinking up stuff. Stop snorting coke" Kenny waved a hand

"I haven't even _seen_ or _touched_ coke" Sam deadpanned

"Whatever dude, see ya!" Kenny waved, walking off


	11. Chapter 11

"What do you mean?" Cartman snapped, staring at his HUGE body

"Oh hamburgers" Butters kneaded his pimpled hands together, "we changed"

"Oh fuck!" Cartman swore, "I only have two weeks until this is fucking permanent! HOW am I supposed to right this!? How did Stan get out of this fucking mess?"

"I- I don't know!" Butters trembled, "M-maybe getting rid of cupid-me?"

"I don't think you understand" Cartman seethed, "I need revenge"

"But-" Butters cut himself off, "You'll be stuck like that forever!"

000

Sam, walking home, was muttering to himself about the confusing world around him when he heard a whizzing noise, turning around and squinting upwards, he saw the chubby thing in the sky.

"Oh crap! That's some huge fly!" Sam screamed

"Hello, little boy!" the thing cooed, "I have come to grant you a loving wish!"

Stan blinked and jumped backwards when he saw a bright pink lightning bolt shoot out of the thing's hands and into the ground.

"Oh FUCK!" Sam swore, starting to run "shoo! Piss off!"

"Sam! I know you will love what I can do for you!" the thing giggled, swinging a large bolt of lightning down, as to which Sam had to leap start sprinting.

"Fine, I'll be back!" the thing tinkled. Sam continued running and slammed his door behind him, heavily panting.

"Holy fuck, Cupid exists" Sam croaked

Sam threw himself into his house and dived for the home phone, frantically dialing Kenny's number.

"Kenny!" Sam screamed, "I need you to listen to me very carefully!"

"Dude! Are- are you okay?" Kenny sounded scared for him

"I'm fine, Kenny" Sam rushed, "You're about to make a big mistake!"

"I won't" Kenny laughed, "I have _protection_"

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALIVE!" Sam banged his head on the table in frustration, thumping the phone a few times "Kenny! That isn't what I _mean_!"

"Well, if it's not that, then what's the matter, dude? You sound pretty scared"

"Just don't do it, please!" Sam was starting to shake, "Please, as your best friend, I beg of you!"

"I know the yoghurt's expired, I got sick from that last week!" Kenny snorted, "I chucked it!"

"KENNY!" Sam roared, hitting his head on the table as he heard the line hang up.

He frantically dialed Alex's number.

"He-ey!" Alex sang, "How are you!"

"I'm fucking great!" Sam spat, sweat dripping off his forehead out of fear

"That's great" Alex laughed, "I can hear your sarcasm"

"I think you and Kyle were great" Sam tried to try stay in character, "And I was wondering. Maybe you should try take him back? You know?"

"Oh Sam!" Alex started laughing, "I am flattered you think so but…. Kyle was a dick to me, broke up and dived down Bebe's throat!"

"I like you!" Sam rasped, trying his hardest to somehow deter what was going to happen. Sam heard a door open over the line, "Alex, I- I LOVE YOU!" Jesus Christ, how the FUCK was he going to back out of THAT one!?

"Sam" Alex giggled, "I- I just need a friend right n-"

Sam threw the receiver into the wall, swearing.

Someone knocked on his door, frantic. Sam opened the door to see Wendy.

"Wendy, I kinda need to be alone right now" Sam sighed

"So do I" Wendy said in a small voice, "Can I please come in?"

"No, Wendy" Sam sighed, watching the skyline for the creepy fat thing.

"Please? None of my friends want to talk to me!" Wendy's voice wavered

"Are you affected?" Sam blinked, staring?

"Affected by what? I just want a friend to hang out with, I won't mind if we watch the soccer even, I just need company!" Wendy sighed

"Fine" Sam turned around and sat on the couch, turning on the TV, "Look, I'll be back. I look like crap"

It was true. After the last hour, Sam had managed to work up a sweat as if he had been sprinting for fifty miles. He quickly jumped into the shower, dumping a handful of shampoo on his head, scrubbing. Sam's mind started to wander off into the distance, thinking about the year that had just passed. The smell of ice-cream and daisies wafted up his nose, reminding him of certain people that Sam knew full well, he couldn't date. Sam slowly drifted into a standing up- sleep, hot stream of water running down his back, soothing. His dreams invented a figure wrapping her arms around him, head resting on his shoulder. In the back of his mind, he reminded himself he had someone downstairs, so he couldn't stay upstairs in the shower with his dreams. For a few minutes, he imagined himself with this person who intertwined her fingers into his soapy hair, her lips brushing his own. Enjoying every moment, mind on another planet, Sam kissed the woman back.

"Sam" someone spoke, loud and clear, causing Sam to spring open his eyes and freeze. Wendy was inside the shower with him, commando, pressed up against him, arms wrapped tightly around him with his mouth covered by her own. His own hands lay on her back, apparently hugging her against him.

"Jesus! FUCK!" Sam shoved Wendy off of him not sure if to cover his junk or his eyes to save either seeing a set of boobs or Wendy from seeing his junk.

"What?" Wendy spat, hands on her hips, oblivious to the lack of clothes either person had on or the horror on Sam's face.

"What the FU-" Sam choked on his embarrassment, "Oh GOD!"

"You seemed to ENOY me! For a whole four minutes!" Wendy cooed, hands reaching for him.

"Well, let's just say that-" Sam saw the fat thing hover over their heads, smiling.

"Wendy! Look out! There's a spider!" Sam lied, watching Wendy scream, running out the bathroom, "Please kill it, Sam! But don't hurt it!"

"Oh, I'm going to fucking KILL it!" Sam snapped


	12. Chapter 12

Sam shut the door to the bathroom, locking it. He decided against murdering it when someone was in the house. Wendy stared at Sam in disbelief.

"Are you sure?" Wendy blinked, towel wrapped tightly around her

"Yes!" Stan snapped, yanking down a jumper over his wet jeans pants that had fallen to the bathroom floor.

"O- Oh.." Wendy looked at her feet, "Wow I must've…"

"Stan loves you" Sam said, "we never happened"

"Y- you won't tell him?" Wendy looked relieved, "I want to believe that but… I just FEEL like it's not true, Sam"

"That's because that THING" Sam pointed at the door, "shot something at you"

"I'm sorry about what happened back in there. I thought you loved me, too!" Wendy sighed

"I haven't gotten shot at yet, and-" Sam was about to explain when the door burst open.

"AaaH!" Wendy clutched onto Sam in fright, shaken, "Kill it! ITS HUGE! Oh god kill it!"

"My name is Cupid!" the thing giggled, "Killing is bad! Love is good!"

"Wendy, listen to me!" Sam shook Wendy, shaking in fear

"You like m-" Wendy blinked, hopeful

"I need you to go and KILL that thing. Please for the love of your sanity, please kill it!"

Wendy stood up, "anything to protect you!"

"Jesus, Stan would be a crying heap if he saw _you_ like this" Sam muttered

Sam jumped down the flight of stairs as Wendy ran for the kitchen, looking for a knife.

"Hey, dickwipe!" Sam shouted, "Shouldn't all of this happen naturally!?"

"But it is natural!" the fat thing called Cupid giggled, aiming it's spear like arrow, "Don't you want love?"

"Not like this!" Sam screamed, backing up against the wall, "NO!"

Cupid fired a shock of lightning down Sam's spine, causing him to go absolutely ridged.

Sam's mind slowly started filling up with thoughts; love hearts and loads of _very_ unorthodox ideas about a girl Sam knew wouldn't want him.

_I'm in love with Bebe_

Sam heard himself say, as if he was Einstein, discovering the power of Mc squared. Shutting his eyes, he begged for his deepest darkest secrets to stay underneath his heart, where all of his coldest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets lived.

_I love Bebe_! _I want to call Bebe and tell her I love her!_

"WENDY!" Sam screamed in such a high voice he wasn't sure if someone had kicked him in the nuts, "Wen-dey! HURRY! UP! PLeeeeeaaase!"

_I want to go to Bebe's house and tell her how much I love her and how she is so beautiful. _

"Hold on!" Wendy cried from afar

"Wen-" Sam croaked, chest tightening, he wasn't going to let himself move

"I have you under my spell, my sweet-" the fat hovering thing froze

Wendy clasped her hand around the fat thing's belly, slammed it to the ground and hacked off its head, angry. She brought the knife up and stabbed it over and over, spraying blood up onto Wendy's face and Sam's jumper. Sam shuddered, sliding to the floor, finally able to breathe once more.

"Oh god" Wendy sighed, curling into a ball as she started to cry, "Oh god this is disgusting"

"Wendy, are you okay?" Sam got up, sweat once again, drenching his clothes

"Please call Stan for me" Wendy squeaked in a small voice

Sam went to the phone, called Stan.


	13. Chapter 13

Kenny grabbed Cartman by the collar, fuming. He had just sprinted for a few blocks, to Cartman's house, rage in his blood.

"You psychotic asshole!" Kenny yelled

"Hey, fuck off, poor boy!" Cartman snapped, shoving Kenny off

"Do you have any idea what the fuck you just DID!?" Kenny barked

"Did you enjoy it? Did she enjoy it!?" Cartman laughed, "Surely you enjoyed it!"

"I did not!" Kenny snapped, the memory, now just an embarrassing series of cringe worthy memories consisting of a bra, laughing and plenty of what should not have happened happening.

"I am going to fucking KILL you!" Kenny shook, "You fucked up asshole!"

"You both" Cartman started, only to get shoved into a wall and have his teeth kicked out.

"We thought you'd change!" Kenny paced the room, "But fuck no! What happens? You send a fucking CUPID after us to fuck up everything!"

"I wanted to seek revenge! For your stupid PISS PACT!" Cartman howled, clutching his mouth in agony.

"Cartman. We were trying to get you to realize how rude you've been all your life!" Kenny snapped, walking off.

000

Alex sat under the Christmas tree, bawling her eyes out. She sat, alone in the town square, feeling disgusting and horrible. Curled into a fetal position, she hated herself.

"Alex" someone touched her on the shoulder

"Please leave m-m" Alex sat up; saw Kyle squatting beside her, hair in disarray and eyes bloodshot. She gasped in relief.

"Kyle!" Alex tugged him into a hug, "Oh my god!"

"Jesus, that was fucked up" Kyle laughed, hugging her back, "You know it was no one's fault"

"I know. I just suddenly froze up" Alex shrugged, "I just KNEW it wasn't our fault. I knew it was cupid-me"

"That's the down side of Cartman's dickhead of a cupid. Once the curse is broken, the victim knows who the culprit is" Kyle sighed into her hair, "Happened before"

"Ugh, that dickhead" Alex sniffed, "I don't remember anything, thank god. Just parts"

"Do you forgive me?" Kyle blinked, "I apparently told you to go and fuck a blender"

"I don't remember" Alex sniffed

"Nor do I" Kyle laughed, "I think no one remembers being under a spell"

Kyle spread his fingers through her hair, "Stupid things happen in South Park, it's expected"

Alex snorted, "Jesus, I hope it doesn't get any more traumatic than this"

"Merry _fucking_ Christmas" Kyle laughed

They sat beside one another and kissed.

000

Bebe and Butters sat on the bench in school, everyone was playing football, on the swings or chatting.

"Bebe, have you ever hated someone so much but not been able to do anything?" Butters asked

"Yeah" Bebe shrugged, "Lots of times"

"I just realized that Cartman's getting fatter. I want my body back" Butters sniffed, voice cracking

"I'm sorry I called you a Melvin a while ago" Bebe reassured him, "we were wrong. If I had to chose between either person to live, It'd be you before Cartman any day"

"Really?" Butters blinked

"Yeah" Bebe sighed, "The piss pact was a stupid idea"

"Hey, asshole!" Cartman roared, stomping to the duo, "Get over here"

"No" Butters said, mot moving an inch

"Butters! Do as I say or I will fucking grate your head on my cheeasypoofs grater!"

"No" Butters said, as if declining an offer of Fanta or Cola.

"Ugh, fuck you!" Butters flipped him off

SUGGEST PLOT TURNS NOW! OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE! Yes, i forgot to put mark and rebecca in, i will soon!


	14. Chapter 14

**Too late! The chapter is the last. The premise of the story is over, anyway. **

Sam slowly sat up from his sprawled position on the carpet. He drifted in and out of a heavy sleep, catching snippets of Wendy and Stan's conversations that night as he lay half asleep on the upstairs landing. Getting up, he felt relief finally flood through him as he noted the thoughts of Bebe had escaped him along with sleep. The one thing he had to do was kill Cartm—

"Hello?" Sam picked up his phone from the floor

"Dude!" Kenny's voice rang out, "I killed Cartman"

"Well, that was easy" Sam laughed, "Are you okay, dude?"

"Me and Bebe are fine, you?" Kenny asked, "And Butters is stuck in fatboy"

"I had a rough night, man" Sam laughed

"Merry Christmas" Kenny sighed, "-i mean happy Hanukah"

"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. Merry Christmas" Sam smiled, " and Hanukah"

_ the fucking end people~_


End file.
